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Dec. 5th, 2007 @ 10:44 pm Sexy story!!
Current Location: house
Current Mood: happy
This is a little something i wrote for my current girlfriend. I wrote it rather quickly. Be carefull!! Only read if you want to hear explicit sexy things. Could be too much information... ENJOY!


Remember last Saturday night? Well once I got home after our steamy little 10 min, I just had to finish myself off! I just couldn’t stop thinking about you, especially once I got into bed. Wearing nothing but my t-shirt, I jumped under the covers trying to warm myself up after the brisk walk home from the bus. I started to run my hands up and down my thighs, running them up across my chest then around to my breasts. I wasn’t sure if my nipples were hard because of how cold it was or how much you had turned me on. I started to think about how I pushed you up against your dresser, kissing you deeply and running my hands up your shirt to your hard nipples…

…“god you’re so hot.” I breathed into your ear. You kissed me back hard grabbing the back of my head with your hands pulling me closer into you. I kissed you passionately, my tongue circling yours as I continued to play with your breasts. You moaned slightly as I squeezed your nipple. It just turned me on even more…

I felt my pulse get faster as I thought about touching you and how you feel against my skin. As I touched my breasts under my shirt, I wished that your hands were there instead of mine. I took a deep breath and ran one of my hands down my stomach, then down my thigh and then up to my pussy. I let myself trace a finger around my clit, teasing myself. I pressed my finger a bit more against my clit and ran it up and down. Still wet…

…“mmm” I sighed as I felt you slide your hand down my pants placing your hand over my panties. You could still feel how wet you made me. I wanted to feel how wet you were. Not being able to control myself I slipped my hand down your jeans and felt your warm wet pussy with my fingers. “oh!” you gasped as I moved them back and forth against your clit. You started to rub my pussy more, pressing your two fingers into me. You told me that you wanted to really feel me as you moved my underwear to the side and touched my bare pussy. God, feeling your fingers there made me even hornier…

I began to slide my fingers slightly inside me… I then moved my fingers up to my mouth and tasted myself. Oh how I craved you, your taste, and your smell. I began to think about the first time I got to go down on you. Well, you went down on me first. I wanted you so badly but I could tell that you were just dying to try pussy for your first time…

…you were looking up at me. You gave me the sexiest look just before you started to kiss down my stomach. You ran your hands down my body. I felt a shiver go straight down to my pussy in enticement of what was about to come. You slowly ran your tongue up my inner thigh. You licked all around but still not touching my hot spot. God, this turned me on ever more. Then you gave me one last look up and then I felt your tongue finally touch my clit. I breathed in slowly as you pressed your tongue right against my clit. You slid it up and down my now soaking wet pussy. I couldn’t hold in my moan…“ooohhhh.” Hearing me just made you hornier. You started running your tongue up and down, pressing hard into me. You slightly inserted your tongue but then went back to my clit and started licking it. “Oh god Katherine! You know what you’re doing.” I said extremely turned on. You sucked on my clit for a bit then ran your tongue up and down tasting every bit of me. “Jules, you taste so good…” you said in one breath. Then you went back down and started licking my juices up even more…

I remember not wanting to wait to taste you but I made sure that we took it slow, despite both of us being hugely attracted to each other. I remember feeling my pussy in bed, just like this night before you and I had even gone past second base…

…you and me in my basement, feeling each others breasts, touching one another without shirts or bra’s on. I wanted you so badly but was afraid to go too fast since I was the first girl you had ever kissed! The first time I saw your breasts I had to kiss them. I traced my tongue around your nipples, ran my tongue under your breasts then kissing your chest. I love to tease. I looked up at you and then gently placed a nipple in my mouth as I began to suck and twirl my tongue around. I could hear you sigh which turned me on more. I went to the other nipple and began to suck on that one. I nibbled slightly with my teeth only to find out how much you love that. “Oh Jules!” you said under your breath. I could feel myself get so wet and wished that you’d put your fingers inside me…

Incredibly turned on in my bed I started to tease myself more. I slowly started to finger myself. I slid one finger in and out several times. I took my other hand and started to rub my clit with two fingers. I’d slightly squeeze it while still fingering myself. I began to insert another finger inside my tight pussy and I pressed them inside farther. I love feeling your tight pussy and fucking you until you can’t take any more. Thinking about that just made me want you more…

“…god you feel so good.” I said while lying on top of you slowly fingering you. Our breasts rubbing up against each others, as I move my body up and down yours. My fingers inside of you pushing them in deeper. You’re so wet. Curling my fingers pressing them up against your g-spot. Your arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly. Our kissing became more intense slipping our tongues in and out of each others mouths. You traced your tongue across my top lip and kissed me deeply. I began to suck on your bottom lip then went back to French kissing you. You pulled away from the kiss and moaned “mm… oh fuck me hard Jules!” You ran your fingertips down my back then I began to use my hip to push my hand more against you and I started to finger you harder. I inserted my fingers now quicker and deeper inside of you. Each time you would moan with pleasure. As your heart raced, you began to breathe faster and so did I…

I fingered my self faster and faster, rubbing my clitoris quickly with my other hand. Pretending that your fingers were inside of me, making me this wet. I wanted to cum like how you made me twice before. My eyes closed tightly imagining your naked body on top of mine. Fucking me, hard, fast, harder, faster… I couldn’t take it anymore I had to cum. My fingers pressed deep inside of me, my pussy super hot… I rubbed my clit as fast as I could and then finally I came. A warm feeling rushed over my entire body, down to my toes. “Oooh… god yeah” I whispered to myself. I felt my pussy get wetter then it was before. I continued to rub my clit until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Mmm…” I felt pretty satisfied with myself lying in my bed with a huge smile on my face.

I felt that you needed to know what I sometimes have to do at night. In fact, after writing this story for you, I’m feeling a bit hot again and I may just have to do that all over again tonight!
- xoxoxo
About this Entry
kiss
Dec. 3rd, 2007 @ 07:51 pm s'been a while!
Current Location: house
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: air
Well I am procrastinating from finishing my 3 essays which are all due in 3 days. Huzzah! Life is very much the same, but in actuality quite different. I feel i have grown so much again. I'm figuring a lot of things out in what i should do later in life. I really need not to worry nor to compare myself with others.

I've a new GF, s'all good. I'm not sure what to think about the whole thing. I don't want to psych myself out and confuse myself asking "am i in love?". It is pointeless. Just go with the flow. Also, the label Queer suits me just find. I can see myself with a guy, it's just i know that if i brought a guy home, my mother would say "I knew you were just fooling around!" She really is a mega bitch!

Devon stopped speaking to her for a few months but because bloody x-mas is coming up, she had to sorta mend the situation. Long story short, they were both in the wrong but Devon didn't apologize and dad's like "Right on!" secretly. Mum has been actually a lot better, but there are still so many things she's rude to me about. I can't even explain it. Her rudeness, not listening to me.

Katherine (my new gf), her and i are so open to each other. It's very nice to be able to ask questions, tell her anything and everything. I do like her, but it's odd just knowing that when she leaves in 4 months, that'll be it. I feel like we really are giving it our ALL but it's just not the same.

My new plan seems to be that i continue with my school until next Jan and then back to Aus, n' perhaps New Zeland for a bit... then i won't have broken my promise, not that Kaitlyn talks to me but it's not her, it's the feeling i had when i was there. Like THIS IS IT... this could be that void inside me i feel. Odd, but at least now i know, it can't be filled by another person. Perhaps it's also a state of being, my mind. It fills it.

Changes... mmm
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kiss
Jun. 1st, 2007 @ 09:14 pm (no subject)
i don't want to write sometimes... i will force myself to write when really good things happen and i am once again happy. Well I threw out all the pot i had, no more of that, no more pom poms either or any drags from cigarettes. No more lies, I am now sticking to my morals. I just want to be happy... i suppose i will go see my free therapist... haha just realized that word is the rapist! How wierd. k. gonna go play guitarrrr... feel better.
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kiss
May. 17th, 2007 @ 02:11 pm what are you afraid of?
Current Location: House
Current Mood: unhappy
Current Music: Kendall
Oh boy oh boy.
I can't even express myself with words now. Life is so odd here. I mean I do have my ups and downs... perhaps i wish i could label my sexuality and what goes on in my brain. I mean I have tried anti depressants before. There's just so many things in my past that hurt me. Bad, sad memories. But without sadness I wouldn't be able to feel such a great happiness... Do I hold myself back? I don't want to tell anyone all the problems in my head, because i'm embarrased.. i feel that they'll think i'm egotistical talking about myself... have i repeated myself in this journal? Why am I feeling down... i'm just not feeling right. There's something wierd going on inside me. I'm not happy, not really sad... but i just don't feel good. So many internal conflicts within me.

I remember that i finally felt i could be myself in Australia... but i need to stop being afraid of getting sad alone across the world. I really won't have what i had last time. I mean, what is up with Kaitlyn. I don't know if she wants to be my friend... why did she so willingly take me under her wing... into her home.

I think that if I try really hard this summer, i can get a 6 pack. it's slowly shaping my abs... All the hard work. Then I think ot myself, well what's going to happen in Sept. when you get laid off hunh? FUCK! Why are you thinking so far ahead. I can't help it! I need something to slow me down.

I feel hurt, that my 1st relationship, she's already dating someone else... i'm glad she's happy but why am I not? People suck. They're fucking crazy. I HATE BVEING A LESBIAN!!! GOd damn it. Fuck, my mom just wants me to be straight so badly. It hurts so much. Maybe that's why I'm crying. I can't talk to her. I don't have that parent to talk to. Dad doesn't remember anything. I'm having a hard time.

Well i'm glad i wrote it out. I think now I know why i've been so confused. I couldn't but my finger on it. I just don't feel comfortable around some people that i know are good for me. Like Shaylyn. Why can't I talk to her in Person... mind you her gf didn't say 2 words to me. Supposidly that i don't look like a Lesbian. Oh wtv. what does one look like anyways. I am Julia and everyone else and can fuck off and go to hell.
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kiss
May. 17th, 2007 @ 09:15 am No fear
Alright Jules, it's been quite some time but Boy a lot has happened. But I may have figured out 1 thing. I think that Argh... i am a full lesbian. Bisexual was a stepping stone. I suppose I've been afraid of the futur if I were a lesbian, no marriage, no kids, no one to love. I've been afraid of being alone. But then i remember the sex and the city conclusion where they said they all wanted friendship but they all did wind up with a man soooo pfft to that.

I just don't identify with the whole Butch tough lesbian chick thing and it grosses me out. I just don't think about guys the same way i do about girls... Oh fuck the stupid labels.

No Labels!!
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kiss
Mar. 13th, 2007 @ 10:36 pm hmm
Current Location: house
Current Music: Moi Lolita
Why do all people have such troubles to stay possitive? Man am I glad I am taking this WMST course. College isn't that scary. Lol I'm such a brat, I wait until just before class to do my homework. Don't get too cocky Jules! I'm kinda bleh with French. I like my teacher but I feel so sheepish every time I go to class now 'cause of the whole cheating thing. Ugh! Stupid Jules. Whatever happend happend, no worries, it wasn't real. la la la. I just hope (even though I really like her) I get a different french teacher in Sept. Should I try to take Spanish? I do believe it would actually involve work and me thinking instead of my usual procrastinating. I can't even write my journal entry for WMST. It's not like I even get marked on it. A checkmark or not! I just want to really communicate with her because I'll be taking her course on sexuality next semester. Go! You have 10 min to write before seeing Kimmy.
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kiss
Mar. 10th, 2007 @ 08:02 pm (no subject)
oh my god. What is going on Jules? Floods of emotion and thoughts and confusion. I feel sick to my stomach.. my head, my conciousness. Something is not in line. I feel tired. Almost lost but just wierd. I can't explain it. I can't breath all the way. I'm not satisfied. I don't know what to do. There's too much but not enough. I will not go back into my "Old ways" There are no old ways. Ahhhh it's all coming back. It's white Rock... it's something here. It doesn't feel right. I can't see. I can't smell it. Where's what i love? My deja vu's have gone missing. Fate lost my number. The forgotten one. The lost souls... i vaguely remember but no it's like an intuition. And this will make no sense later on. It's like my scribbles of feelings, not real words or sybols. My writing. I feel faint. Jaded Julia
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kiss
Mar. 10th, 2007 @ 07:37 pm uh oh
Current Location: house
Current Music: Aphex twins
I am a liar, a cheater and a theif. what does that say about me?
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kiss
Mar. 6th, 2007 @ 11:56 am oh my
Current Location: house
Current Mood: fine
Well I think I've done it.

I've talked sooooooo dirty and thought so many sexual things. I'm no longer interessted in it. Don't feel like it anymore. I mean, maybe it's just the whole guy thing. I am still so pissed off. Just let it go Jules. I just want my bracelet damnit! I'm still horny as ever. Well it'll be great to go out this weekend.

Man I'm hungry. No food in the house. I should go up town and shop for stuff. Ugh... effort! My friend John is buggin' me. Maybe it's just 'cause he's so fricken horny. He's honrned me out. At least I still have Chris (liz's boy) Still I wish I had more guy friends.

Ah I got it pretty darn good so I'll stop my complainin.
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kiss
Mar. 5th, 2007 @ 10:34 pm Phew!!
Current Mood: pooped!
Well! Solves that problem!

Sean has turned out to be an alchoholic. Not joking. I don't understand how (mainly males) are missing this thing in their brain that says "If I am to drink more, I shant be able to walk n'or speak coherently!" Fuck! That's something that bothers me. Now it's not just the drunk girls that say "I like you!" then when they sober up they're like... "Um... sorry no!" However I am such a hypocrite for drinking. At least I don't drink and drive! I mean I feel bad if I had 2. I'm not SMASHED like him and his friend. I shoulda called the cops. Jesus

Anyways! I think also I shall give the 15 year old a miss. We were talking about stuff like that in women studies class... and i just feel bad morally and don't want to take advantage of her. See I am a good person. Somewhere deep down. Poo.

Well this weekend a bunch of girls from my class are off to Hershe bar and i've been told to go. Tired i am now. I do want to go. there's this super nice gal in my class but i don't have that "Wow!" attraction. Yea, that's what I'm looking for. I know it exists. I'll be able to feel it so not to worry.

Rarr!
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kiss
Mar. 4th, 2007 @ 02:16 pm oh
Current Location: house
Current Mood: stoned
Current Music: Nouvelle Vague
oooooooh boy. eep! So, dear Sean. Oh man why do I have a guy that likes me? Perhaps it's just been so long getting used to liking mainly girls. He's nice, he's cute but when he drinks he is annoying. He could probably be super nice. I dunno. Ugh. Sooo oh man. Well at least things are changing again.

Cobs'll be fun to work at and then I'll get a serving job and make lotsa $. Yay yay yay. Maybe I can save 10G for Aus. Realistically I can easily see myself with 7G and spending 2G in Europe this summer. What am I to do? I just need to chat with Julie. Hopefully it'll all be meant to be and really work out. I just have to get away for a VERY long time. I got a lot to figure out and plan.

Just 10 more months... ooh exciting.

So I smoked some pot w/ the new girl. She's been through a lot. Very interessting human being. Quite Energetic, young. Yea, then went to the video store and smoked some pot w/ Mine. I'm just really mellow now. And off to work in an hour or so. Shall nap a bit. I just cleaned my 3 rooms.

Seriously, what to do about Sean. His dad kept saying "He's inexperienced! Marry her!" eep. He asked me sooooooo many questions when he was drunk. I answered them all. Him and his father somehow got on the subject of sexuality and because I can't lie.. I'm like yea that's cool. I didn't come out and say I was Bi but they're all like Wow! Arrrrrrgh! He has my bracelet. And he got my #. I don't want another drinking sesion w/ him. He'll have to ask me out and i guess i'll say yes. Oh man he was telling people in the bar i was his gf. God!! I don't want a bf! I need some pussy....
About this Entry
kiss
Mar. 1st, 2007 @ 05:57 pm kay
So dad and i just came back from beer and nachos. it's getting harder and harder to talk to him. just keeps repeating himself and i'm loosing my patience but he doesn't notice that so that's good he doesn't think i'm being bitchy. Ugh. Well he bought a digital camera, he's fiddlin' around right now w/ it.

So, Sean (the Save on guy) was there and he soooooooooooo likes me. lol I dunno. hmm he is cute. well i prob.'ll give him a shot. Eep. Well my party will be for sure Fri. April 26th or Sat. the 27th. Yee haw! Mind you with quittin' work... and getting these other jobs too fast. Argh... I enjoy my weekends off.

Ack I gotta go pick up the 2 people that read this now so we can go to a sex store in Vancouver. Saweeeet
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kiss
Feb. 22nd, 2007 @ 10:50 am okaaaaaaaay
Current Location: house
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: SOV and ROCK
Blah blah blah blah One ear it comes straight out the other.

Yea sooo, I guess I'll text my 15 year old but she may have some karate thing tonight. Plus my group is being retarded not getting together. Well! I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Randomness. k.

So! Odd thing. this guy that I see at Save on, comes into the liquor store once in a while and is pretty darn friendly to me so i went over to save on to get some diner and he started chattin with me. I was like ooookaaay. And i told him to come in and visit me at work Wed. nights when I work and then he came back and visited me that night. WTF mate!!? And then he introduced himself to Alycia and shook her hand. And I was like ooookaaaay and said this is my bussy Sean from Save on. h aha and then he said come visit me on weekends when I work. What the hell?! I don't understand.. aAHhhh..rarr

I just want a girl, he's cute but I dunno. I hope he doesn't ask me out or something. I can't do that fast with guys. Anyways, well i just want my projects to be over with.

Ahhhhhhh. meow
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kiss
Feb. 19th, 2007 @ 08:30 pm Rarrr!
Current Location: house
Current Mood: Bleh
Current Music: XTC and the cure
Hmm.... well I feel like i dunno. not sad, not happy. Kinda pooey. yea... pooey. Soooooo i am thinking i should really just delete my dating account. Sounds good. Deleted most. just one left. I should just forget it. Now there's the 15 year old. Oh well we'll see what happens.

Not to mention my friend John and me. We have got to be the wierdest humans ever. It's all very interessting. Maybe I am hypocritical, well naw.... he sure is! Nice guy, but it really just makes me like the softness of girls more. Wierd situations are all around me. I can feel the sadness, frustration and loneliness of others. Not ot mention my own.

I think i got scaired in Australia... all of the unknown, freaked me out. Well if I do stick to my guns here it can all work out to get there but once again, what the hell'll you be doing there hunh? My dad may be buying an old car so he says that if I insure the jeep (lol almost wrote ensure... sound it ooooout!) well $1200 and it's mine for a year. Hmmm.... I dunno if that's good... well i mean it is, but don't forget gas and the jeep does break a lot. Battery, maybe tires... hmm. So Europe'll cost me no more then 3G. What job will i have? If I do the bartending thing that's 500$ I just want to go to sleep right now.

I really just wanna cuddle, well i imagine holding someone or them holding me. I didn't do that in Aus though... not that I had anyone there. Once again I'll have to start from scratch but I know how to do it. What is this Jules? the 3rd or 4th time you've started over again. Ugh. It can be fun but it's hard. And this time i'll be leaving nice friends. OH i may have a new job, just got called by the filmer Mathew. cool time for change again. lol It's windy (only i get that joke)
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kiss
Feb. 17th, 2007 @ 12:17 pm (no subject)
Current Location: house
Current Mood: Random
Current Music: Lady SOV
Man, sometimes I wish i was a female rapper/ beat boxer. I dunno what to call it. I love saying things fast to a beat. If only I could write cleverer rhymes... it'll happen. Hopefully in the summer. And I'll learn German too. Oooh am excited. Ree ree rah! Blah blah blah. Those are lyrics

Everybody in the club gettin' tipsy. Oh dear, holly cow... I have this YOUNG girl that says she wants to have sex with me. I've always had a thing for 16 year olds. Sweet I'm 19. Yay Still a teenager technically so I don't feel bad! Sooooo wierd.

Man, the texts that i send to becky n shannon are so bad. We are so wierd and dirty! lol it's awesome. I had some wierd dreams last night... was thinking about Gayle and imagining us sorta together... but i don't even know her well. We e-mail eachother, i found her page where she really is an amazing writer but I'm not attracted to her.. well I don't know if I am. I'd like to be, or if she likes me. We just would give these friendly kisses and she'd put her arm around my waist. She looks like Christina Richy! Soo cool. I dunno... she's...HEll I'm probably too young for her. It's my wishful thinking getting in the way again. Wanting something so bad that I imagine it's real. The possibilities... i don't really want to go have meaningless sex... I do just want a girl friend. Hmm...

Man just finish your homework Jules! Fuckin' procrastinator... lots of thoughts. s'weird. And I want it to be special. Meeting that someone. I saw a pic of her with long hair. Ack! Shut up Julia. I wonder if there will be a day that'll go by where i don't think of Australia... or pussy. ha ha Oh kill me lord. kill me now!
Whenever you see a rainbow, just remember god is having gay sex
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kiss
Feb. 10th, 2007 @ 12:50 pm Friday nights!
Current Location: house
Current Mood: Awesome
Current Music: nirvana
Holly crap! I dunno what kind of good energy thing I get from Jess but i feel sooo lucky when we go out together. I met up with her friend Gayle and she's cool and very intelligent. But get a few drinks in her, lol she was soooo funny. Just kinda all on me. At one point she licked me. hee hee oh man. But it was cool it was like an immediate close friendship thing happened. Like we'd just hug and we didn't wanna really kiss eachother. It was like a nice kiss on the mouth goodbye or wtv! So we were grindin' dancin' then I ran into this GORGEOUS gal I met on the net from Victoria. It slipped my mind that she was gonna be there.

Lisa, her name is. Red head. meow! So she was with a gal that she sorta liked (she said) and they were totally grindin' and eventually kissin. She prob. got with her that night. lol took her belt off on the dance floor. It's all so wonderfully overwhelming almost! Just exhilerating. 'cause we discussed before that she doesn't want a relationship and when we danced and got a nice kiss before I could totally see myself haveing sex with her. I know this sounds so wierd, but I feel like if I sleep around with girls I don't feel as guilty or dirty with guys.. Well I've never done it but it seems that it'd be all good.

Jess was saying that when I go back to Aus just Fuck school! Yay! ok! ha ha She was saying that I am going to party so hard and probably get so much sex. Oh man this sounds soo funny. I feel really good. Am having trouble getting my head into school though. I'm just not into it. Thank goodness for Languages. I enjoy my French. lol no writing big essays. Man what a great night.

We're gonna go out next Fri. too, or Sat. Man It's great being young so I can get away with not going to school just yet right now. I feel good. Now the main thing is I need to concentrate on what I want and not what I don't want! ha ha oh man! I was just being friendly and nice to this random girl with a tie and we were dancing and she seriously just attacked me like ALL over me! ha ha soo funny. Bad kisser, kinda used teeth too much. lol but she was grindin' me like no one else. ha ha I sound so bad like a player but i am seriously on such a high. Is it approriate that the song "Rape me" is now playing?

I can now just see all these possibilities and it's Great! I gotta do a Road Trip with Liz this summer. The stampede is Expensive but if she really wants to go. I think it'd just be awesome to hang out in Nelson. We can take our time and just chillax. ha ha chillax. Gayle wants and needs to get outta Victoria. lol Jess want's to move out when she comes back from China. So they were saying Let us 3 get an appart. together. Hell! I saw some really nice ones and 400$ a month. Naturally it would be harder to get to Aus. but if I'm doing like 2 classes then Wtv! Hmm.. I'm just not sure about Europe. Mind you, whats 1000$ for a week or 2? I think maybe I'll just go to Paris. Or whatever I'll get an open ticket. Who knows what my job'll be this summer.

OH! Sooooooooooo FREAKIN' WIERD! Mum's friend got a a tarot reading and a bunch of things are coming true.. lol perhaps ma's gonna go down that path. I know dad used to be into Astrology. It's so wierd. But she knows this guy that supposidly REALLY wants to talk to me and he may help me get a job in the t.v. industry or film. SOoo cool. Oh yea I gotta get a video camera soon too. Argh! lol I find some school is getting in my way. It's just cause It's a lot for my 1st semester ever. You know you can do it so just come on!

PEACE n' LOVE
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kiss
Feb. 9th, 2007 @ 11:45 am Good to know
Current Location: house
Current Mood: good
Current Music: Pink Floyd
Just went to the denstist and had a nice talk with the gal who cleaned my teeth! I swear she looks different each time I go. Always thought I got someone new but nope! lol I'm wierd.. maybe i'm going blind. That'd suck. Wouldn't be able to drive. I gotta get my motorcycle liscence. So she was saying how we kids should leave after highschool and stay at a college so they'll meet people they'll talk to forever. like Really live life. ie. me in Australia. I wonder if one day i'll not think about Aus. I constantly have flashbacks. lol

Oh man I finally get to see Jess and Aussies. Only saw her once since she was back. Unfortunately had to cancel on Shannon but we didn't have major plans, prob. just laze about WR. No time was set but it's set with Jess. Sooo sorry but You'll forgive me Shannon! If you had friends comin' from other places I'd understand. Be sadned... but yea.

So now I shall ACTUALLY do homework. oh I was chatting with this really cute and funny gal from Spokana WA. lol Map quest 6 hours n' 6 min. away. We talked forever. Still no more internet dating for me. too many crazy's.
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kiss
Feb. 8th, 2007 @ 10:52 pm ARGHHH!!!
Current Location: house
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: nirvana
Ok. Time for some rage now!!! I HAVE NEVER HAD A REAL RELATIONSHIP!! Even with Gavin, we could see other people, and we just fooling around. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why don't they want a closeness? A relationship? I thought I was over it. but it keeps creeping back up at me. I can't get rid of this demon until I get a girl friend or a boyfriend. I want to fall in love! Why won't life let me? I know i'm supposed to go back to Aus. But I can't keep creating these retarded scenarios in my head! What go there, THEN meet the girl or guy of my dreams? Hunh? Was I not allowed to the 1st time 'cause I had to come back to Canada? I get my moods. lol thank goodness for periods. I get happy n' sad. Almost done now. Eep!!!

Ok. what lie can I tell myself to make me feel better? It's been exactly 1 year since Gemma. 1 whole year.... then end of Feb... was it with Dave? But I was soooo drunk and I'm not proud of it. See, by not having sex I feel proud of myself. But I am also lying to myself, saying I wasn't with a girl in May or that guy in Sept. ARGHH!! Still it's been oh my god I am so sexually frustrated. Too much energy! Plus school crap and not being able to get into my homework! Christ. I just don't find anything interessting. And then it makes me want to cry. Blah blah blah I'm a nice person, i'm pretty, i'm funny i'm fucking everything and i'm nothing.

What the hell, my music just shut off? oh now my comp. making funny noises. Wtv. I have every right to be angry. What can I yell to god now?! See I'm just afraid that if I do find someone here, then what about Aus? But what if I go to Aus, and it's not what I thought it'd be. I am soooooooo cold in Canada. I like the new closeness that i'm starting to get with my friends. Sometimes humans are just so bad, I hate it. I mean yea i have a hard time being human still but it's not as bad 'cause I've accepted it. It's just the way that things are in this world, how we don't know why things happen, or the meaning... but to create meaning. It's all Complicated and sometimes so interessting it's wonderfull.

Wierd fate things. like I look at my phone, put it back and as I am doing it, then it rings. I dunno. We'll see!
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kiss
Feb. 8th, 2007 @ 08:43 pm Sorry.
Current Location: house
Current Mood: good
Current Music: Pink Floyd
Well I am actually doing my homework. Finished my French so I just need to Concentrate on all my WMST.

Now odd thing I do, like Ginger did to me. Is I have just dismissed 2 people. I was talking to them and now I'm not. Why do I do that? I hope I didn't leave them wondering. I mean... even if I don't think I have an effect on people, I do. I am always watching and observing people, but no one looks at me. I feel invisible sometimes. Or if they are looking at me I know they're not thinking anything Profound... or Ack! I dunno. Back to homework.

I still feel relitively good lately! Am drinking Green Tea... trying to think of when was the last time I drank. Oh when I went out with Polina... that was last month... a fri? Bye bye Polina, and Angela. I am sorry. But I feel i can gain no more from them on my quest of life. I feel sorry for things I do, like Karma wise but I know I'm a good person and it'll even itself out. I'm not hurting people... I think.

I like to think of myself as Robin Hood or Link. It's a meaning to my life. Hero
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kiss
Feb. 3rd, 2007 @ 07:10 pm (no subject)
Current Location: house
Current Mood: Grrr
Had coffee with Shannon last night and it was super good. Yea shut up I know you read this but F.O. anyways yea it was comfortable and I am really glad to have a friend like that. A real one.

So we were chatting about our lives, our parents and how we are. And how everyone is somehow a little F'd up. Sometimes when I talk about my mom, it really hits me how fucked up she is and abusive to us. But we all just let it roll of our shoulders and laugh about it. Now that I'm studying abusive relationship in WMST, it just really ticks me off how mum says "I'm a feminist!" and how i can name so many of her friends that have divorced because mom told them over and over how it wasn't a healthy relationship for them. All women power shit right?

Well she is not at all into Equality, when I interviewed her for my project, she spoke about giving POWER to women and that men shoudl still open the doors, pay for diner, provide for the family. FUCKING HYPOCRITE. I'm too fucking nice. Always doing things for her. Try to keep her happy. Dad too but he's been litterally "Brainwashed" by that fucking cow he has NO more "Power". And Dad can't get away because she has made him believe that HE 'WANTS' and NEEEEEDS!!! this HUge ass house! I hate how mom basterdises the word Need.

You need FOOD and WATER and SHELTER and WARM clothes. Not 200$ pants made in Germany. I am being driven CRAZY!!! God As soon as I get 10,000$ I am fucking outta here. I'll go to school in Australia. I'll do ANYTHING. I just need to leave. But I gotta have a plan. I just gotta get outta here. Fuck, I can almost see it. Her Energy makes me so Angry. My head is swimming right now.

The words she says to me to dad. Just so much negativity and now what bothers me so much is she's telling all her friends that we have such a close relationship?! What the fuck is that? SHe's so fucking psycho. She want's to beleive I AM her! I will become her!

Man, I should get my female Porn movies up and running. Just plan it out. If I really am serious about it. I can only learn so much in school. I think it's very possible for me to be outta here by Dec.28th 2007. I'll spend X-mas here. Then be there in time for New Years... if I really want to. Or I can do the New Years thing here. It'd just be nice to be in Sydney for Gay Pride in March so that's all that matters. I've written a list already for things I need (packing wise). I should revise it. Still in the back of my mind, i wonder if i'm just obsessed with Sydney and Australia and it's all wrong.

I may be so lonely there if I'm not in Sydney. But I do make friends easily. But it's the closeness I want... i think i need it.
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kiss